“Every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit..” Mathew 7:17
Divorce hurts. I stare at this simple sentence for a few minutes unsure how else to describe the deep emotions that run through my body. It almost feels like losing a part of yourself. A part that you once welcomed with anticipation and joy. If you’ve been through the pain then you know.
My journey to myself began with me finally acknowledging that my marriage was failing. Journeys usually begin by taking one step at time, but sitting there in couple’s counseling and telling my spouse that I no longer wanted to be married felt like jumping off a cliff into the unknown.
As I fell through that abyss, often wailing and flailing my emotions all over the place, I reached out for foundation and started reading the Bible on a daily basis. A simple act which brings back fond memories of my grandmother. One of the strongest women I’ve ever known. The account of her life that I pieced together from passing conversations is a salve on my open wounds. She endured several difficult transitions. She was a child bride, a mother, a destitute widow and an immigrant relying on her children for shelter and financial support. Yet, she still had so much to offer.
Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned along my journey.
1. Surrender and Let Go.
The first step in healing is surrendering. It looks different for all of us. You must find that “thing” that you are desperately holding onto. For me, it was the image of a perfect relationship. Never admitting to others or even myself that something was deeply wrong with my marriage.
2. Ask God for Help and Listen When He Answers.
Reach up to God and ask for help. He hears you. But along with prayer is the equally important act of listening. Spirit will nudge you in ways that your rational mind will try to override. Months before I made the decision to end my marriage, I attended a christian women’s conference. While standing on the line of the venue, two older women approached me to comment on how much they loved my handbag. Despite my unsociable countenance, they continued to talk to me and eventually sat next to me during the conference. As I chatted with the women during lunch, they both somberly revealed that they were divorced. They counseled me and understood the pain in my heart without me having to say a word.
3. Connect with Your Past.
You have to connect with your past. Your story does not begin with you. There are wounds that we carry that are not our own. Yet, we are still holding onto it. My mother and my biological father divorced before I could remember. As I child, I distinctly recall the stings of feeling abandoned by a parent that was supposed to love me. I carried that heavy load with me into adulthood. Covering it with accolades and the image of a “perfect life.” I had to dismantle the facade to get to the root of the issue. Doing so set the groundwork for healing myself but also strengthening my relationship with my mother.
4. Find and Do What Calms Your Soul.
As a reformed people pleaser, this was a difficult task. My inner essence, that thing that made me unique, had been buried and forgotten. I used to create characters and storylines to fall asleep. However, it never crossed my mind that I was a writer. A defunct pre-medical student, I enrolled in comparative literature classes to augment my struggling GPA. I thrived in those classes. I enjoyed the discourse on the intersectionality of race and gender studies. Yet, I had to be rational and choose a lucrative career. When I finally let go of that image I was holding myself up against, I started writing again. Not for the approval of others, simply for me.
Finally, music helps! It’s amazing how certain songs can reach your inner depths.
“Stop hiding yourself. Love yourself when no one else can.”- Mirror, Lalah Hathaway.
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The Belle Terre 